I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
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If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf