Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
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If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”