Bike is short for Bichael.
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airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
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[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
They’re on their honeymoon
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical