The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
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when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.