I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
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I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
The sacred texts.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
there’s probably a fee though
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!