Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
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“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets