Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
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People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.