THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
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Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.