My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
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Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
no one likes gloating
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.