*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
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Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.