Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
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Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode