I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
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If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
2022 will be better than 2021
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Sounds like a bargain
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.