My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
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Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.