I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
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alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Sell your car
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.