I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
You Might Also Like
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
“I took care of your clown problem.”
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.