I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
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Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely