The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
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Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
first you must answer his riddles
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
set yourself free xox
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.