Who does Amazon think I am?
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My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Ovenable?
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.