I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
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me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.