If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
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Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Well well well…
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now