[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
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Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.