When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
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MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?