Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
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My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.