My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
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My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
tourist season
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…