Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
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7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
dam girl
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired