*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
You Might Also Like
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Single and childfree like Jesus
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.