My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
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Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
HR said no more nunchucks.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name