1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
You Might Also Like
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
From my Mom
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”