Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
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no, archaeologists cannot determine a personβs sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now Iβm having a shitty Valentineβs Day as well.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
HER: Take a shower with me. π
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. π[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Iβm not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Me: Omg itβs soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
What a year we’ve had this week.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Husband: Youβre ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
π€£π€£π€£π€£π€£
πππππ
π€¦ββοΈπ€¦ββοΈπ€¦ββοΈπ€¦ββοΈπ€¦ββοΈ
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”