Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
You Might Also Like
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old