Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
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Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.