Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
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Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
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ME: finally a program for me
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Sing it!