Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
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Overindulged this afternoon.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.