inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
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[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
oh good, now I can stop drinking
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.