I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
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I have never related to anyone more.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser