Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
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Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.