Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
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Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
A friend sent me this.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.