The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
You Might Also Like
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”