Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
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Godzilla was the first house flipper.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
i love modern commerce
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
…u ok Nintendo?
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes