Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
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Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Message from the dog groomers
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole