Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
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These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.