Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
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General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
🤣🤣🤣
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.