People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
You Might Also Like
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Happy Star Wars day!
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
superman landing like a plane on his belly
*seductively eats two tums*
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.