if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
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ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi