bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
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ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
me when i see my girls butt
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
when mom throws a party…
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.