I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
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Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
If you had more money you’d be happier.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Nice try, NASA
oh shit
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
remember
only for emergencies
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.