It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
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*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.