He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
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*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
That’s fair
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Support your local cemetery
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.