I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
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The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder