I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
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Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.